The use of structure

   It’s been 15 days since my last post, a far cry from the 3-4 times a week I had been planning to post.  But, since I can’t go in the past and fix it, I’ll do what I can now.

   The first 3 weeks were dedicated to cleaning up my previous attempts at controlling, measuring, and encouraging productivity in a dozen specific areas.  Part of me recognizes the “controlling” aspect and the negative connotations of that.  Having a “free spirit” sort of life appeals to me greatly – being able to do what I want when I want, to focus my energy where I want, but I’ve tried that.  I ended up 30 pounds heavier with a dirty house and almost no creative output.  I am a person who needs more structure than 0.

   How much more?  I’ve swung the pendulum the other way.  I used Mary Hunt’s system to control, measure, rate, and manipulate my finances.  I was a flybaby of a variety of flavors (main, local, and pagan).  I used both at the same time.  Granted, at the time, my personal life was spinning out of control, and my need to be able to control, dominate, determine, and rely on something was amazingly high.  Understandably, I burned out eventually, though not nearly as soon as one might think.

    The previous system used rewards, but it required more than I was willing to give, typically.  I was about to put in a comment about how I was raised and its influence on my current behavior.  But I am an adult.  I have been a legal chronological adult for as many years as the current legal drinking age.  Using my childhood as an excuse no longer works, not for me at least.

    Back to the previous system.  Everything I requested of me is a valid and worthy thing, none of which I was doing.  And I asked myself to do all of them at the same time.  Which, in hindsight, is ridiculous, but typical of me.  I go through cycles where I decide that I want to make changes, and I want all the changes right away.  (Delayed gratification is something I’m working on.)  So I try to make all the changes, I become overwhelmed, and I drop things – if I had even picked them up in the first place.  I’ve done this repeatedly, and each time I thought I was doing it “right”, “better” than the previous times.  Better, yes, most of the times.  Right?  Not usually.  This previous system is typical of this pattern.

   What few I did complete, I will still give myself the rewards.  The rest I drop and leave in my past, lesson learned.